Fade Read online

  I told myself to stop staring and look away. That grief had scrambled my brains, and I only imagined things that weren’t there.

  I didn’t listen to that little voice of reason.

  The boy lifted his head.

  Time seemed to slow, stretching before me in ways I couldn’t comprehend.

  Our eyes met across the distance.

  I stopped breathing, heat weaving through me in coils, burning away the hole I’d just discovered, and leaving me wrapped in a soft blanket of warmth. A thousand different sensations whispered through me like a summer’s breeze, freezing me in place. Joy, fear, loss, hope, sorrow … I couldn’t separate one emotion from the other. Before I even had the chance to try, a current of energy washed through me, pulling a gasp from my lips. Strength and familiarity rippled through the air between us. The powerful sensation swarmed over me like a thousand little teeth nibbling on my skin, and shook me to the core.

  I knew him.

  I think maybe I’d always known him, and I didn’t know how. But I desperately wanted to know, because for the first time in weeks, being awake didn’t hurt. Grief wasn’t breaking my heart, my eyes weren’t burning with unshed tears, and my head didn’t hurt from a lack of sleep.

  I felt … peaceful. As if looking at this beautiful boy washed away everything that happened since Mom died. I felt right in a way I never had before, not only unburdened and aware, but complete. Like the gaping hole inside me had filled with him.

  I think the mystery guy felt the same way.

  He jerked backward, barely avoiding crashing to the ground. His eyes widened.

  Shock rippled through me.

  His eyes really were blazing emerald and as familiar to me as my own. I saw my hazel eyes in the mirror every single day, but his were seared into me as if I’d memorized them over the course of years and had simply forgotten them until that moment.

  Who are you? I wondered to myself, desperate for the answer to that question. To know his name, and why looking at him felt so right.

  I didn’t get an answer. Or maybe I did.

  A switch flipped in my mind and thoughts that didn’t belong to me came sweeping in. Shock, awe, and an echo of the same bewilderment and familiarity I felt flowed through in waves. Each one was distinct, different. Not mine, but not foreign either. Somehow, they were his. They snapped into place alongside my thoughts like puzzle pieces locking together.

  I cried out, surprised by the odd feeling.

  Unseen hands pushed me backward on the tabletop. Wooden splinters snared my jeans.

  I grasped the edges of the table, swaying beneath the onslaught of thought and sensation whispering through me in dizzying flickers. They were almost too fast to catch, but I understood enough, saw enough.

  Something dark and animalistic pushed at the edges of my mind, trying to force its way inside. The thing appeared separate from the boy, but not. Like a massive shadow sharing his mind. An animal. Somehow, he had caged it in thick, iron bars, but the animal wasn’t happy with the arrangement. It threw itself against the bars of that cage, trying like hell to get free. To get to me, I think.

  Fight or flight kicked in, demanding that I run, but I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay right here, with him. Whoever this guy was, whatever lived in him … it didn’t want to hurt me, and neither did he. The truth of that pulsed like a bright light in his mind. He wanted to protect me, keep me safe. From himself as much as from anything else.

  My hands shook.

  What’s happening to me?

  Mine, he said in my head as if in response to my question. You belong to me.

  The words were little more than a growl, but they shot through me like an arrow.

  Starbursts exploded in my mind in a flurry of little pops. I didn’t know him from Adam, but I believed him.

  I belonged to him, perhaps more fully than I belonged to myself.

  A triumphant howl tore through my mind.

  I cried out, the sound ripping through me. Pain replaced starbursts, spiraling out in a series of complex curls. The feeling lasted no more than a second, but the guy recoiled as if he’d been bitten.

  His thoughts splintered from mine along jagged, unnatural lines. The connection between our minds disappeared in a blink, cutting the howl off mid-sound. My head snapped back on my neck. The hole inside tore open again.

  For a minute, I couldn’t breathe through the pain, let alone think.

  I closed my eyes, trying to get my bearings.

  What was happening to me?

  When the fog of pain cleared, I had no answer to that question. But I did know one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt: My life had just gone from complicated to impossible because the gorgeous boy wasn’t human, and we belonged together. Somehow.

  I popped my eyes open wide, a thousand questions on the tip of my tongue, and then I blinked.

  There was no one on the quad but me.

  Chapter Two

  Obsession twisted my mind into snarls over the next week, but I couldn’t stop thinking about my mystery guy. Part of me screamed that he wasn’t safe. The other part wanted to figure out his identity and what happened out there on the quad. I couldn’t bring myself to try to find him though.

  Fear that I’d only imagined him ran rampant. It scared me to think the entire, bizarre scene hadn’t been real, that I’d actually cracked beneath the weight of grief, and had simply hallucinated him. A big part of me didn’t want to consider that possibility. I’d felt so good when he’d settled into my mind, and I didn’t want to let that go. I couldn’t.

  Memories of my mom presented themselves at every turn, and I struggled to cope with them. Too often, they crippled me entirely. Seeing Dad in the kitchen instead of her knocked me breathless. Coming across an old family album in his study sent me into hysterics.

  I had to find a way to put myself back together, but how could I do that when just being awake hurt? If I had just imagined the mystery guy … where did that leave me? I didn’t want to be broken beyond repair, but was I?

  I couldn’t help but think so.

  When I awoke on Thursday, that fear overwhelmed me. My gaze settled on a picture of Mom and me, and grief bubbled up hard and fast. The kind of pain that made me want to tear my skin off or scream until my head exploded bore down on me like a freight train, and I couldn’t stop it. I prayed for anything to make it stop, or to bring my mom back to me, feeling completely eviscerated.

  I hated that life and death didn’t work that way. Nothing I could say or do would bring her back. I needed her. God, I needed her more than I could remember ever needing anyone, and she wasn’t here. How was that fair? How could it be okay that she’d been killed by one slick road and a rock wall? How could I be okay without her? She’d always been my best friend, and I was drowning without her.

  “Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it,” I chanted under my breath while I threw on clothes, desperate to get the hell out of the house and away from feeling as if the walls were closing in on me.

  I practically flew down the stairs as soon as I had on my boots, trying to stem the tide of tears and hold myself together. My hands shook and my eyes twitched.

  Dad glanced up from the paper, his eyes widening when he caught sight of me.

  “Going for a walk,” I said, grabbing my faux-fur lined coat, and toppling the entire coat tree in the process. I righted the tree in a hurry then dashed out of the house before Dad could ask any questions.

  I drew a ragged, shaky breath when the door closed behind me.

  The crisp, clean air helped settle me a little. The next breath came easier, and I inhaled the fresh air again and again. My hands steadied, and the desire to scream lessened. By the time I pulled on my coat, grief had shrunk to a painful itch in the back of my throat, thank God.

  I sighed and glanced around.

  The day wasn’t cold, but it wasn’t particularly warm either. The weather had settled into that souther
n void where the sun shone brightly, but the animals remained snuggled in their nests, not quite brave enough to chance poking out their heads. Whatever.

  I didn’t need animals; I needed fresh air.

  I jogged down the steps, crossed through the yard to the sidewalk, then walked along the deserted street. There hadn’t been a profusion of children in my old neighborhood, but there had always been at least one or two playing in the streets during school vacations. I hadn’t seen a single child in this neighborhood since I’d arrived. The entire town looked pretty boring.

  I frowned, confused at how depressing I found the thought. Had anyone asked me, I would have said boring and safe were what I wanted, what I needed. Apparently I would have been wrong.

  I wanted … I wasn’t sure what I wanted. Something to take up all my time. Wouldn’t that be great? No time to think or hurt or be afraid. I was tired of hurting, of thinking, and of being afraid. I just wanted the sadness to stop.

  I’d always heard losing someone you love is hard. That’s not true though. Not completely. Losing Mom wasn’t hard; losing her was the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a thousand and then intensified exponentially. Maybe because I’d lost her and then left everything behind all at once. I didn’t know for sure, but whatever the reason, I couldn’t handle the painful emotions tearing at me.

  Getting up in the morning, remembering to eat, even talking to my dad, felt like too much. I’d never been big on praying. Don’t get me wrong; I’d always believed there was a god of some sort up there. I’d just always kind of felt like He or She probably had more important things to do than sit around listening to the prayers of one girl. But I couldn’t stop praying anymore. I prayed to hold on. To deal. To find something that made moving on hurt a little less.

  Seeing Mr. Green Eyes in the quad was as close as I’d come to having those prayers answered. Looking at him, I hadn’t hurt at all. I hadn’t felt like I was barely hanging on, I’d felt okay. I needed that. I needed him again.

  I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d experienced that entire soul mate thing. I’d never put much stock in the phenomena before, but then again, I’d never felt anything like it before either. I could come up with no logical way to explain away my experience. Soul mates may have been farfetched, but I didn’t have anything else. Even if I was insane, at least he made breathing hurt a little less. If he could do it once, he could do it again.

  He had to, because I couldn’t take much more. Maybe that sounded stupid or crazy, but that’s how I felt. I needed him, and I needed him to be real.

  He was, wasn’t he?

  God, I hoped so.

  Somehow, I managed to find my way back to the campus. I wasn’t sure why I’d come, but ASU seemed as good a place as any to get lost for a while, so I wandered around. The small college was in the midst of Winter Break, and registration had ended. Only a handful of cars were scattered throughout the parking lot.

  A small group of girls sat beneath one of the big oak trees on the quad, talking and laughing. I hesitated on the sidewalk, unsure if I should go over and introduce myself or continue walking. I’d never been shy, but the thought of dealing with people and their inevitable questions didn’t appeal to me.

  Before I could decide one way or another, one of the girls, a pretty blonde, spotted me.

  “You’re welcome to join us,” she called out, climbing to her feet and waving me over.

  I thought about pretending I didn’t hear her for a moment, and then stopped. I’d have to get to know the people around here sooner or later.

  I started toward her.

  She bounded across the grass and met me halfway, a big smile on her face. “Hi. I’m Mandy Chapman.”

  Mandy was all-American pretty, with big blue eyes and a sun-kissed complexion.

  I shook her hand uncertainly, knowing I looked like hell. I hadn’t been thinking about my appearance when I’d rushed out the door. “I’m Arionna Jacobs.”

  “I know,” she said, looping her arm through mine and half dragging me toward her friends.

  My heart pounded uncomfortably in my chest as I followed along.

  “I was in the Dean’s office when you came in to register the other day.”

  “Oh.”

  “I heard about your mom. I’m real sorry.” She squeezed my arm and continued chattering. “You’re living with your dad now, right? Professor Jacobs?”

  “Yeah, I am.” I swallowed against the pain her sympathetic apology sent rippling through me. “Have you had any of his classes?”

  “I wish!” She rolled her eyes. “I’m a nursing student, so all of the fun classes are out for me. What’s your major?”

  “Ah, I’m not quite sure yet,” I said. I had a passion for history, and I figured I’d eventually go that route, but for now, who knew? I certainly didn’t.

  “Well, whatever you decide, have fun,” she advised. “ASU is a small campus, but it’s great. Most of the professors are a lot of fun, and everyone is real friendly here.”

  If the rest of the town turned out to be anything like her, friendly was definitely the term. She had a genuine air about her though, and I liked that. Her warm smile made the energetic chatter less intimidating. Let’s face it; bubbly people could be damn scary. She wasn’t, though. She was … nice.

  We drew closer to the little group on the blanket.

  Our conversation slowed and then halted altogether.

  I took the time to study the other girls. They were as dark as Mandy was fair. Pretty in a timeless kind of way: brown eyes, dark, glossy hair, and petite builds. Bottles of water were strewn across the rest of the blanket.

  “Hi.” I smiled down at the three of them, my nerves clamoring.

  “Hi,” they chorused together, welcoming smiles on their faces.

  “Arionna, this is Chelle, Beth, and Dani Michaelson.” Mandy pointed to each girl, right to left, as she introduced them.

  Knowing their names didn’t help much though. The girls were identical head to toe so far as I could tell. They were even dressed similarly in boots, jeans, and thick, cape-like coats.

  “Triplets?” I looked from one to another.

  “Yep,” Beth, the one in the middle, confirmed with an infectious grin. “Don’t stress over telling us apart; no one ever has a clue. We’re used to it.”

  “I can imagine,” I said, feeling a little more at ease.

  “Here,” the triplet on the left – Dani – said, scooting over and gathering up the various bottles of water. “Have a seat.”

  Mandy and I sat down, forming a sort of semi-circle on the blanket with the other three.

  “Do you all go to school here?” I asked after we’d made ourselves comfortable.

  Mandy nodded. “Lived here our entire lives … mostly.” This came with a mischievous grin. “Right, Dani?”

  Dani spluttered, causing her sisters to laugh. “Come on, y’all!” she protested, tossing up her hands and rolling her eyes. “I was nine!”

  “Mmhmm,” Mandy teased and looked over at me with a smile. “She got tired of being a triplet and ran away. Half the town went out looking for her. They were out all night. Midmorning, they found her passed out in Mr. Kellerman’s barn right outside town. She got lost on her way to Little Rock and decided she’d gone far enough.”

  Dani laughed. “Needless to say, being a triplet sucked a little less after that. Nothing like a night in a freezing barn to give you a different perspective.” She shook her head once, her eyes bright with amusement, then she turned to me, sobering a little. “So … when did you make it into town?”

  “Last weekend.”

  “What do you think so far?” she asked, squinting in my direction.

  “It’s … different, I guess.” I tucked a wayward strand of hair behind my ear. “I haven’t seen much of the town yet.”

  “You’ll get used to it,” Chelle said. They were the first words I’d heard her speak since she said hello. Her voice was soft and calming, her acce
nt less pronounced than those of her sisters and Mandy. “Beebe is quiet, but I think you’ll like that.” The way she spoke seemed more statement of fact than a question.

  “Perhaps,” I murmured, not sure what else to say. I rather suspected I would like living here, but part of me still wanted to hate the town. I didn’t particularly want to share that childish desire, and most definitely not the reasons behind it.

  The conversation lulled for a moment.

  “Have you met anyone else yet?” Mandy asked.

  I probably should have expected the question, but it caught me off guard anyway. A blush crept up my cheeks, heating them.

  Dani and Mandy both squealed at the telltale sign while Beth grinned. Chelle just looked at me.

  “She met a guy already! Who is he?” Dani asked, bouncing where she sat.

  They all turned to me.

  “Ah, I don’t know who he is, actually.” My cheeks flamed. “Just some guy I noticed the other day. It’s not a big deal,” I lied, hoping they wouldn’t push for any more. How exactly do you tell a group of strangers you were either going crazy or something downright freaking weird and kind of amazing had happened with one look?

  “What did he look like?” Beth asked, refusing to drop the subject. “Maybe we know him.”

  “Um, tall, messy blonde hair, green eyes, really—”

  “Flipping gorgeous?” Mandy finished for me.

  I hadn’t imagined him after all. Thank God. “I’m guessing you know him?”

  “Everyone knows him,” Beth said with a dreamy little sigh. “He’s sexy as hell, and gay.”

  “Gay?” I blinked.

  “Gay,” Mandy confirmed with a serious little nod. “His name is Dace Matthews.”

  I’d stake my life on the fact that he wasn’t gay. “What makes you think so?” I asked, rabid with curiosity as to how they’d come to that conclusion. Maybe they knew something I didn’t, but I seriously doubted he was gay. He wouldn’t have said I belonged to him if he had no interest in girls. Right?